奄尖的伴侶

　　吹毛求疵的人往往愛放大小錯失，並在雞蛋裏挑骨頭來批評或投訴。這種態度無疑不受社會歡迎，沒有人想跟想法負面，又常常把別人的不足掛著口邊或抱怨無法改變的現況的人為伴。以下6個特徵可分辨出你是否這類人：

 

　　1. 跟員工談話，你會先講出對方有哪些地方需要改善，而非有甚麼地方已做得好。

 

　　2. 回到家，你跟家人的首個對話就是投訴家中環境有多混亂，又或抱怨一些他們做了或仍未做的事情。

 

　　3. 當你的伴侶主動幫忙，你疑慮他能幫上多少忙，反而不會太為他幫上忙而感恩。

 

　　4. 當你的伴侶糾正他做得稍為不當之處，你會檢查或跟進此事。

 

　　5. 如果你要求你的伴侶做三件事，而他只做了兩件，你會因此抱怨。

 

　　6. 你不時對你的伴侶的選色、衣著、髮型有所「建議」，或跟他持相反意見，因為你嘗試幫上忙，所以要告訴他該做或不該做的事情。

 

　　吹毛求疵的人有扭曲的正義感，非要指出別人的缺失不可。如果你不幸地身邊有個時常抨擊你的人，不用感到被傷害或開戰反擊，要明白他只是太會批評及諷刺別人，需要幫忙的人是他，不是你。導致他們挑剔不停的原因通常如下：

 

被挑剔下成長

 

　　父母雙方或其中一人是個吹毛求疵的人，對孩子抱有很大的期望，這些孩子的成長多在成長時嘗盡苦頭。從小飽受批評的孩子，不知不覺建立負面的思考模式，以致他們對所有人都有所質疑。

 

不好的回憶

 

　　日積月累的辛酸史終會變成毒藥。這些陳年歷史可以是未達成的目標、工作或失望的情感，他重覆地埋下傷痛的經歷，結果現在的他背負沉疊疊的憤怨，要繼續前行，他必先卸下重擔。

 

缺乏自信

 

　　一個缺乏自信的人需要別人不斷的肯定，而自己是對的，別人是錯的想法更是他所尋求的肯定。如上癮般要求更多，他覺得自己被認同了，而且要苛索更多的認可。

 

　　一旦跌入吹毛求疵及控制慾中，便會捲進令人疲憊的惡性循環。此人不只會牢困在自己的控制慾中，更會令愛惜的人捨他而去。他愈是孤立自己，愈是負面與挑剔，最後，他會討厭這個世界，世界也厭惡他。假如有類似的問題，可試試借助一些心靈練習來培養更坦然的態度。

 

不要憂慮

 

　　有些人因為害怕被別人批判，故為自己與自己愛惜的人定下嚴苛的標準。可是，生活在一個有達七百三十萬人的地方，無論你做甚麼都不能討好所有人，所以拋開你的憂慮吧。

 

完美主義

 

　　完美主義的本身已不完美。記著抨擊你的人都不是完人。完美與快樂之間二選一的話，當然選後者。

 

相信自己

 

　　要相信即使你不強求他人跟你在一起，他們都想跟你共處。不要再常常黏著他、索求他、控制他，及批評他，你要先對自己有安全感。

 

學會接受

 

　　日常的情緒主導我們的生活質素。與其抱怨一些我們無法改變的事情，倒不如學會接受，發掘當中的好處。

 

　　我們通常以兩種方式看待他人－易地而處或批判，二擇其一，是打擊他人，還是助人向上，決定權在你手中。

 

　　（按：中文內容乃翻譯及撮寫版本）

 

Being Overly Critical

 

　　Being overly critical is when a person is excessively focused on small faults and looking for something to criticize or complain about. This kind of attitude is a definite social repellent because nobody enjoys the company of someone who oozes negativity and is constantly remarking about someone else’s flaws or some situation they cannot change. Six signs that you are being overly critical are:

 

　　1. When talking to your staff, you begin your review with what they could have done better first before you tell them what they have done well.

 

　　2. When walking into your home, you “greet” your family by commenting about what a mess the house is, or complaining about something they did or did not do.

 

　　3. When your partner helps, you are more frustrated by how he helped than you are being grateful that he did help.

 

　　4. You check on or follow after your partner to “fix” what he didn’t do quite right.

 

　　5. If you ask your partner to do 3 things and he did 2, you complain about the one thing he didn’t do.

 

　　6. You frequently “suggest” a different color, outfit, hairstyle or an alternative idea for your partner, telling him what he should or shouldn’t do because you were only trying to be “helpful”. 

 

　　Hypercritical people maintain a twisted sense of self righteousness by focusing on the shortcomings of others. If you are unfortunately at the receiving end being constantly criticized by someone close to you, instead of feeling hurt or picking a fight, understand that it is the overly critical and sarcastic person who is in need of help, and not you.  The most common reasons for their affliction may be attributed to the following:

 

Bad Parenting

 

　　Where one or both parents were critical and had unreasonably high expectations of them, these children usually embark on adulthood somewhat afflicted. A child forever being criticized growing up, understandably develops a negative unconscious pattern of thinking that lets him criticize everyone else around him. 

 

Bad Memories

 

　　An accumulation of bitter history is always toxic. It could be unmet goals, career or emotional disappointments,  hurtful past experiences that he had repeatedly internalized,  and now carries with him a massive payload of anger which he must first divest before he can walk straight again.

 

Lack of Self Confidence 

 

　　A person low in self confidence has an incessant need for re-assurances, and by showing that he is right and the others are wrong gives him the validation he seeks. Like an addict seeking the next high, he feels empowered and goes for more.

 

　　The need to be critical and controlling is an exhausting vicious circle. This person not only becomes a prisoner to his own sense of order, he is driving loved ones away. The more isolated he is, the more negative and critical he becomes, finally he hates the world and the world hates him. If this applies to you, try these mental exercises to help  cultivate a more relaxed attitude:

 

Stop Worrying 

 

　　People restrict themselves and their loved ones to the confines of self imposed high standards for fear of being judged. There are 7.3 million people here and whatever you do, you cannot please them all anyway, so might as well stop worrying.

 

Perfectionism 

 

　　Perfectionism is itself an imperfection. Just remember that people who criticize you are by no means perfect themselves . Hence, between being perfect and being happy, choose being happy.

 

Believe in yourself

 

　　Believe that someone would want to be with you without you forcing him to do so. To stop being clingy, needy, controlling & critical, you must feel secure enough with yourself first.

 

Cultivate the spirit of acceptance

 

　　The true quality of life is governed by the quality of  emotions you feel regularly . Instead of complaining about situations you cannot change, try accepting it, acceptance has many merits .

 

　　We tend to view people through one of two filters – compassion or judgment. One is draining, the other uplifting. Choose wisely.

 

 

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