感情路上，要跌得好看

　　 「屢試屢敗，沒關係，再嘗試。失敗多一次，會較上一次成功。」- 薩繆爾·貝克特

 

　　從事婚姻介紹多年，我遇過無數在愛情路上碰釘的男男女女。有些多番嘗試都與良緣絕緣，另外的則不能維繫一段長遠的關係。能夠從失敗中學習，從失敗中獲益的只有少數人。

 

　　俗語有話「總是當伴娘，永遠當不了新娘」，意指一些女人在尋求伴侶的路上未嘗成功。遇上這種困局的多為幾類人：有些從不分析失敗的原因，不求甚解地勇往直前；另外的怪自己命水不好，天意難求；餘下的是直接放棄了。優柔寡斷的男人在感情上拖泥帶水，一直在尋找一個與眾不同的人，但這個特別的人偏偏跟他的年齡與處境毫不相襯。直到一天，當他厭倦做孤家寡人了，他選擇找個人，不管是誰只要願意立即註冊便可以了；又或者，他會變成一個脾氣暴躁、孤伶伶的老人，餘生都在懊悔自己曾經錯失大好姻緣。

 

　　分手及離婚傷人至深。經歷這個階段的女人夾雜在痛與恨之中，被兩者絞至肝腸寸斷。較硬淨的女人多表現憤怒，以至歇斯底里；較脆弱者則自怨自艾，以至精神崩潰，最差的是踏上不歸路，了結生命。從破碎的感情恢復過來的，最終投入一段新的關係，然後清算前一段感情的舊帳。先提出分手的玩家當然是瀟灑離場，不過，當玩家成為被分手的那位，他只是表面上看來滿不在乎，實際上，情感的傷痛絕對是痛切心扉，傷痛大得足以把他捲入無止境的憤恨之中，不能寬恕，不能忘記，放不下來。

 

　　書店的貨架上總是擺放著那些成功人士的勵志故事──在踏上成功之路前，要經歷多次的失敗。KFC的創辦人哈蘭德·桑德斯分享過，他推銷馳名炸雞秘方時被拒絕了1,009次才獲得一間餐廳賞識。愛迪生經歷了1,000次的失敗，才成功發明出燈泡。亨利·福特及華特·迪士尼在建立他們的事業王國前嘗試過幾次破產。溫斯頓·邱吉爾在選舉中屢嘗失敗，直至他以62歲之齡當上英國首相。這些人物故事聽來或震撼人心，至於在愛情路上，我們都不希望失敗了一千次才找到對的人，不會想經歷破產，甚至是等到頭髮花白的62之齡才找到伴侶。因此，我們要學會如何更快取得成功。

 

　　在2014年11月，哈佛商業評論出版了由Sastry 及Penn合著的  “Fail Better”。雖然這本書談的是管理技巧，當中的基本理念可以同樣應用至感情關係上，正如你志在創新，便肯定會遇上阻障。唯一要問自己的就是每次的失敗是否離成功步近一點？任何的冒險都存在失敗的風險，我們注定要陷入一次又一次的失敗之中。假如我們能夠把失敗視為啟蒙的導師而非人生的障礙，我們會更快邁向成功。

 

　　有時候，人生難以時刻一帆風順，在途中遇上海浪，跌跌踫踫，要從挑戰中重新站起來，找回正確的航道絕非易事。不過，跌低了，我們一定要盡快站起來，因為把時間浪費在失敗與嘗試當中往往會蠶食掉我們的夢想。

 

　　當我們從失敗當中有所得著，這樣的失敗才有意義，最好就是我們有時間去再進一步；當我們失去信心，失敗就是要付出昂貴的代價；當我們從失敗中學會在寬容、視野及言行上取得更好的平衡，失敗就是我們人生的導師。與其為失敗而苦惱，倒不如仔細檢視那些失敗的人生經歷，從中學習，成為下一次的勝利者。

 

　　（按：中文內容乃翻譯及撮寫版本）

 

Fail Better

 

　　“Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try Again. Fail again. Fail better “- Samuel Beckett

 

　　In my years as a matchmaker, I have encountered myriads of men and women who have experienced failure in relationships. Some fail to find a relationship in spite of numerous attempts, others fail to sustain any relationship. People who have learned from their mistakes and benefited from their failures nonetheless belong to the minority.

 

　　“Always the bridesmaid never the bride” is an old saying which refers to women who have not had any success in finding a spouse. Reactions differ, some continue to plod along without ever asking why they have not been successful. Others blame it on destiny, their stars or the shortage of men in Hong Kong. Some others simply give up.

 

　　Indecisive men keep on procrastinating, looking for that special someone who neither commensurate with his age nor circumstance. Until one day, when he is tired of being alone, he marries someone, anyone in a hurry. Or he curls up into one grumpy, lonely old man, reminiscing on all the opportunities he has had and missed.

 

　　Break ups and  divorces are more traumatic. Women fall to pieces in a combination of ache and anger. Reactions range from fury to hysteria for the tenacious, and from self pity to nervous breakdown for the vulnerable. In worst case scenario, some may even become suicidal. Those who recover and eventually embark upon new relationships then try to settle former scores with the wrong spouse. A male philanderer who has instigated the divorce will probably just walk away on a wing and a prayer. But if the divorce is involuntary,  he appears to be nonchalant only on the outside. The hurt sinks deep and thorough and eats him up viciously  on the inside. The damage is intense,  he indulges in his perpetual grudge, can neither forgive nor forget, and he will not let go.

 

　　Book shops are lined with inspirational stories of how famous people have failed repeatedly before they finally prevail. Colonel Sanders of Kentucky Fried Chicken fame allegedly had his famous secret chicken recipe rejected 1,009 times before a restaurant accepted it. Thomas Edison made 1,000 unsuccessful attempts at inventing the light bulb before he found one that works. Both Henry Ford and Walt Disney went bankrupt several times before their success. Winston Churchill was defeated in every election for public office until he finally became Prime Minister at the ripe old age of 62 ! Impressive these stories may be, we don’t want to try 1,000 times before we find the right spouse, nor do we want to risk bankruptcy, and most definitely , we do not want to wait till 62 to find a relationship. Therefore, we must learn to succeed faster.

 

　　In November 2014, Harvard Business Review published “Fail Better” by Sastry and Penn. While the book is basically about management skills, the fundamental philosophy applies equally well in relationship matters, i.e. if you are aiming to innovate, failure along the way is a given. The only question remains whether or not you can fail better? Failure is an ever present risk in any venture. If we don’t heed the lessons we have learned from those experiences, we are doomed to keep failing again and again. If we could simply embrace failure as a teacher rather than an obstacle to overcome, we shall find greater and faster success.

 

　　Sometimes, it is difficult enough to keep on going when everything is running well, to get back up again after one has fallen is a challenge that derails the best of us. Yet get up we must and quickly too, cause the wasted time between failure and trying again is the killer of our dreams.

 

　　Failure ultimately is only useful if it teaches us something, ideally ... while there is still time to take action. Failure is only costly if we lose confidence… Failure is a master teacher if an appropriate balance of tolerance, insight and changed behavior can be achieved. Instead of sulking or feeling miserable, scrutinize your failures in the past and learn how to become a winner next time.

 

 

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