沒有安全感就不能愛了

　　「缺乏安全感」是缺少自信心所致的焦慮感覺。在一段愛情關係中，缺乏安全感的想法常被隱藏起來，或不容易察覺。放縱不管，隨後的行為變得更令人難受，以致我們未能建立有意義的關係，甚至令關係惡化，美好的憧憬早在起步不久便止步。最常見的是以下3個情況：

 

過去的關係

 

　　Julia永遠在愛情中游走，因為她的每段關係只能維持數個月，她總是本能地從伴侶身上挑出一些潛在的缺陷。她是否過分警覺？還是天生命苦，總是遇上混蛋？事實是兩者皆非，她仍活在前一段不快的關係的陰霾下，缺乏安全感，害怕歷史重演。她現在被一段新關係所困，她認為這是個驗證，不智地把苦況歸咎在錯的人、錯的理由上。

 

　　憤怒與失望長出深長的根，兩者往往在微不足道的執拗上萌芽成長。如果你被陰霾所籠罩，要清醒過來，記著現在的伴侶與你過去的情傷毫無關聯。不要矯枉過正，最好是尋求專業的輔導，在開展一段新戀情前放下你的感情包袱。

 

現在的關係

 

　　June的男友長得帥，有成就又細心，兩口子剛拍拖時相處甜蜜，之後，她習慣每天打6、7次電話找他，2分鐘內收不到男友的回覆便會坐立不安，要他每天每刻跟她報到。緊纏伴侶絕對是缺乏安全感的表現。「所有事情都進行得太完美了，無法長久！」，在沒有任何缺失出現前，她要先找錯處。最後，她不能承受男友先跟她分手所帶來的痛苦，故先發制人，主動跟男友分手，即使男友從不打算離開她。 

 

　　生命中最難學會的事情有兩件，一是處理悲傷，二是應對快樂。社會對於活在痛苦中的人多予同情，反而很少會幫助那些未能應對快樂的人。不過，這不是社會的責任，而是你的責任。成長。學習瀟灑，緊抱幸福如緊抱別人的誇獎恭維，接受一段關係的原貌而非「萬一」 的狀態。全天候監視伴侶只會令雙方筋疲力盡，相處講求的是事實而不是你的假設空想。要維持關係的長久，要給予它喘息的機會，給予他所需的空間。

 

未來的關係

 

　　48歲、相貌平庸的May是我們的顧客，她把我們介紹的好男人通通拒諸門外。他太後生，他太老，他太高，他太矮……推掉的藉口多多。她是否過份揀擇？不，她只是嚴重缺乏安全感。May很久以前已期待一段戀情降臨，但當她走到愛情的門前，有機會遇上心上人之時，她沒有迎接機會，反而因害怕被拒絕而退縮。

 

　　如果你跟她一樣，試想像你在學習踏單車或游水。對，你或會跌倒並受傷，你又會吞進多口的氯水，不過，傷口有癒合的一天，經驗累積得愈多，你會跌少了，喝少了，這個學習過程不只有你要經過，成千上萬的人均走過這些經歷並戰勝而回，所以你亦會一樣。如阿佛烈·丁尼生所言：「曾經愛過及失去過愛總好過不曾去愛。」

 

　　每段正常的愛情關係必有起落、親密與獨處。世間沒有完美的情人及關係，因為我們都是不完美的。一段美好的關係是要互補對方的不完美之處。

 

　　如果你因缺乏安全感而受盡折磨，不妨試試終止搜尋兩人在關係上的弱點與不是，而著眼於關係上的優點與力量吧。

 

　　（按：中文內容乃翻譯及撮寫版本）

 

Insecurity in Relationships

 

　　“Insecurity” is the feeling of anxiety caused by a lack of self confidence. In relationship matters, insecurity wears disguises and may not be easily recognizable . Unrestrained,  the ensuing behavior becomes incrementally oppressive , it prevents us from building meaningful relationships, or much worse, it brings an otherwise promising relationship to an early demise. The 3 most common scenarios are :

 

Past Relationships

 

　　Julia is forever in and out of relationships. Nothing lasts because within months, she will instinctively detect some potentially damaging “flaws” in her partner… Is she being ultra vigilant ? or simply unfortunate to have met so many rogues ?  Neither.  Haunted by the ghost of past bad relationships, she feels insecure, fearful that history might repeat itself. Now empowered by a new relationship, she feels validated & vindicated, unwisely misdirecting “imagined” grievances at the wrong person for the wrong reasons… 

 

　　Anger and disappointments have deep roots, they tend to resurrect & germinate at the slightest provocation. Should you be that way inclined, make a conscious effort to remember that the present partner has NOTHING to do with your bygone wounds. Stop trying to right a past wrong, best to seek counseling and clean out your emotional baggage before embarking on  new relationships.

 

Present Relationships

 

　　June was in a relationship with a handsome, successful and caring man and they were  initially very happy… Then she started calling him 6, 7 times a day … became antsy if he didn’t reply her whatsapp within 2 minutes…always needy, questioning where he was 24/7... Being “clingy”  is a sure sign of being insecure. “Everything is so perfect it is too good to last!” She started looking for things going wrong even when none existed. Eventually she preemptively broke up with him first rather than to risk the intolerable pain of him leaving her, even though he never had the slightest intention of doing so in the first place !

 

　　The 2 hardest things to learn in life are the ability to handle grief and the ability to handle happiness. Society tends to be sympathetic with people in anguish. There is little help for those who cannot handle happiness. But then it really isn’t society’s responsibility, it’s yours. Grow up. Learn to be gracious, embrace happiness like you would a compliment, accept the relationship for what it is and not “what if ? ” Indefatigable monitoring is exhausting, live with facts and not assumptions . For your relationship to survive and thrive, allow it to breathe and give him space.

 

Future Relationships

 

　　May, a homely 48 year old client, keeps on rejecting perfectly good men we send her way. He is too young, too old, too tall, too short… so many excuses. Is she being overly picky perhaps? No, she is just deeply insecure. May has been dreaming about having a relationship for so long that when she is finally on the verge of possibly meeting someone, instead of welcoming opportunities, she flinches for fear of rejection.

 

　　If you tend to behave likewise, imagine yourself learning to ride a bike or learning to swim. Yes, you will fall and it will hurt, and you will be swallowing a lot of chlorine water too… but the wounds will heal, and accumulative experience will reduce falling and swallowing…The process of learning is not uniquely yours, millions of people go through such experiences & prevail. So will you.  As Alfred Lord Tennyson says,  “’Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all”. 

 

　　The normal mechanisms of any relationship consist of ebbs and flows, moments of intimacy with a twosome and privacy of a lonesome. There is no perfect couple and no perfect relationship because we are not perfect. A good relationship is where both are imperfect in complementary ways. 

 

　　If you are afflicted by insecurity, instead of looking for what is not working in your relationships, try looking for signs of what is.

 

 

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