一切從對話開始

　　Peter喜歡Eva，不過這個只是個一廂情願的想法。問Eva原因，她怒著說出情由：「基本上他是個好男人，不過他常常把他的成功、成就掛在口邊，每樣事情他都知道得更多更深入，是的，可能他的確做到這些事情，不過他對我來說就是太沉悶了。」

 

　　Dean Swift定義談話的禮儀為「一門與人從容地相交的藝術」。作為一個健談的對象，最基本要做到友善、謙遜待人，又會顧及他人的感受，這講求個人的自律性，相對而言較少人做到。真正的偉人不會把自己的成功掛在嘴邊，只有自大的人才會在談話時炫耀自我的成就。學富五車的他們大可向他人傳授知識，不過，由於他們的話語是指導，不是單純的談話，聽者多感到無助而非欽佩。Peter跟很多人一樣，就是其一。

 

　　一個人的樣貌、聲線及行為在他的身上烙下不能磨滅的印記。人天生習慣了在談話時，無意識地在神態中表露自己的為人，即使有多昂貴的衣服或珠寶包裹亦掩蓋不了本性。他的性格主導了他的言談，世界最終會賞識他的真正價值。良好的對談需要警覺性、準確的用語、表達能力，更重要的是說話時表現的禮貌、活潑、同理心、善意、正面的用語及百試百中的幽默感。優秀的談話者會盡量避免負面意見的表達，在評論時留有餘地，亦不會說三道四，特別是那些中傷別人的說話。愛搶著說話的人跟會把談話的內容限制在自己的興趣之內，不顧聽者興趣的人一樣，令人難受。

 

　　談話的禮儀一直在演變。過去，在講求階級之別與禮節的時代，有識之士所展現的睿智會換來榮耀與尊重，因為大家旗鼓相當，識英雄重英雄。隨著社會放寬禮節，有識之士可隨意跟任何人談天說地，談話內容定較前人有趣。不過，雖然階級之別在名義上「消失」了，但實際上教育水平的分歧及貧富懸殊的無形阻攔依然，全面的「談話技巧」因而成為禮儀的保證。現今的社會變得極其敏感，有技巧的談話就是要減低聲浪，三思而後說，少用不合時宜的典故，避諱「不合適」的話題，盡力不遮蓋別人的光芒，避開所有看法或及情感上的衝突。無疑交談的精神較要表達的意念更為重要，內涵舉止勝於話語，但身為社會的一份子理當遵照順應。

 

　　最後，每日的對談都是高層次的智力訓練。獲取教育機會的途徑有很多，但談話集合聰明的頭腦，刺激潛伏的思維，增進文化的涵養。出於同樣原因，持續的有質素的談話培養及支持了人與人之間的關係，正如持續的沒質素或從缺的談話會破壞關係。

 

　　在青少年的反叛時期，假如不想與父母對話，我們大可怒氣沖沖地摔門而去。作為一個成年人，我們在僱主、上司、顯貴及顧客等人面前即使多想中斷對話亦會笑著承受下去，但可悲的是，我們當中有些人卻會在所愛的人的面前拂袖而去。要明白這樣做是落下結束關係的詛咒，所以請不要令此事發生。

 

　　很大程度上，良好的談話技巧是從後天學習回來的而非天生就會。為保護及維繫關係，我們該多花點功夫，與所愛的人經營更好的談話，不要老是伸出手指指人，要誠實地檢視自己並真心真意的互相幫忙，共同改善。

 

　　第一步先由自己做起。

 

　　（按：中文內容乃翻譯及撮寫版本）

 

Making Conversations

 

　　Peter adores Eva, but the feeling is not mutual. When asked, she said in exasperation, “ He is basically a nice guy…. but he always talks incessantly about his own success, his own accomplishments …he knows everything better and more…Ok, so he probably does, but he is just too boring for me…”

 

　　Dean Swift defined talking manners as “the art of putting at ease the people with whom we converse”. The fundamental virtues of a good conversationalist are kindness, modesty and consideration to other people’s feelings,  which require strong self discipline, and comparatively few people possess them. Truly great people do not wear their achievements on their sleeves, it is the assumed great that would flaunt their success when engaged in conversation. They may have a wealth of knowledge to impart, but since they lecture rather than talk, people actually listen to them helplessly rather than admiringly. Peter, and many like him, would be a case in point.

 

　　The true life of a man indelibly impresses itself upon his face, voice and manners. What a person is, innately and habitually, unconsciously discloses itself in his entire demeanor when he talks, and no amount of expensive clothing or jewelry could disguise his real being.  His personality plays a vital part in his conversation and the world ultimately appraises him at his true value. Good conversation requires mental alertness, accuracy of statement, facility of expression and above all, politeness, vivacity, sympathy, geniality, a happy choice of words, and a never failing humor. The best type of talker is slow to express negative opinions, is sparing in criticism,  and refrains from gossips especially malicious ones. A talker who monopolizes the conversation is as insufferable as the man who regulates his choice of topics by reference to what interests not his hearers but himself. 

 

　　Conversational etiquette evolves. In the days of yore, when class distinction and protocol were prevalent, manifestation of eruditeness among the learned  was received with accolade and respect because it would be reciprocated. As societies became less formal, the learned could talk about anything with anyone, and had probably more laughter than his predecessors. However, though class distinction “disappeared” in name, the invisible barriers between the have’s and  have not’s did not, hence an extended scope of “ conversational skills”  became warranted. As today’s social temperament becomes incrementally hyper sensitive, talking etiquette requires that we keep our voice down, think before we speak, repress unseasonable allusions, shun “inappropriate” topics, strive not to eclipse others, avoid all clashing of opinion and collision of feelings. Granted that the spirit of conversation should be more important than the ideas expressed and what we are should matter more than what we say, a good member of the society conforms nonetheless.

 

　　Finally, conversation offers daily opportunity for intellectual exercise of high order. There are many ways to acquire education, but it is the meeting of great minds which stimulates dormant thoughts, and real culture comes through the additional training one receives in conversation. By the same token, it is continuously good conversations which nurture and buttress relationships just as continuously poor conversations, or a lack thereof, destroy them. 

 

　　As rebellious teenagers, we could slam the door and walk off in a huff from our parents if we didn’t like the conversations. As adults, we’ve learned to grin and bear it with employers, superiors, dignitaries and customers… But sadly, some of us are still walking away from poor conversations with people we love. Understand this normally spells the beginning of the end to any relationship, so please don’t let that happen.

 

　　Good conversational skill is to a large extent, a learned skill rather than innate. To protect and sustain our relationships, we can work on building better conversations with our love ones, not by finger pointing, but by honest self assessment and the genuine willingness to improve together with the help of each other.

 

　　 Starting with yourself first . 

 

 

 《經濟通》所刊的署名及／或不署名文章，相關內容屬作者個人意見，並不代表《經濟通》立場，《經濟通》所扮演的角色是提供一個自由言論平台。

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